The Thoughts of Chairman Bill

Jesus' Tomb Found

2012-03-02T06:00:00.000Z

Some blokes in Jerusalem have found what they claim to be the family tomb of Jesus under a block of flats.

The evidence for this is what they believe to be an etching of a fish symbol (below) representing Jonah's whale on one of the tombs, which became one of the first symbols of Christianity.

Now personally I think this theory is baldersdash, as this is plainly an etching of a spacecraft (proving beyond a shadow of a doubt Erich von Daniken's theory that aliens visited us in the past), or at the very least a comet. Note the similarity with the image of the USS Enterprise from the Bayeux Tapestry.

In any case, it's simply not possible for there to be any remains of Jesus, as the bible tells us that he commanded his mates to hide the evidence by drinking his blood and eating his flesh (possibly with some fava beans and a nice chianti), leaving no earthly trace of his remains whatsoever.

Making Money While the Sun Shines

2012-03-01T06:00:00.000Z

As of yesterday we're making money - the solar PV system was hooked up to the grid at midday and we started generating electricity from that big yellow nuclear reactor in the sky.

During cloud at about 2pm it was generating 300W and when the skies cleared it was peaking at a shade over 3kW - enough to drive a kettle. Stood there for ages watching the money coming in. By 4pm, with a clear sky, it was still generating 1kW and we amassed some 8 kW/h during the day. That's £3.44 from the feed-in tariff.

Come summer, and the sun being higher, we should be peaking at about 4.5kW, or thereabouts.

Seriously considering getting a 12V battery bank and saving the power for night-time use, rather than pumping it out to the proles who won't appreciate the quality artisan electricity.

N-Power sent us our first electricity bill the other day - £167 and we haven't even used any yet (the sockets have yet to be fitted in the house). The bastards estimated it - badly.

We were mooting house names, as houses round here don't have numbers at all. Some of the ideas we had included:

AGA Acres,
Cinnamon & Gooseberry Yoghurt Villas,
Toad Hall,
Posh Place,
Valhalla,
The Mead Hall,
Fondue House,
Seven Years of Scrimping and Saving Place,
The Sidings (we live near a railway line),
The Power Station,
Yate Whine Lodge (my personal favourite - Yate being the nearest town).

A Taxing Question of the Olympics

2012-02-29T06:00:00.000Z

I'm getting a bit confused about this recent story of Barclays using tax avoidance schemes.

Wilki defines tax avoidance and evasion thus: "In general, the term "evasion" applies to illegal actions and "avoidance" to actions within the law," which agrees with my definition.

Now a government treasury spokesman has said: "They have got caught, they disclosed this information, the HMRC has acted very quickly, there will be no benefit to the bank, they are clearly taking a substantial reputational hit and we have demonstrated that banks are simply not going to be able to get away with it."

Get away with what? Acting entirely within the law? Can't have that!

Millions of average punters read the Sunday papers' personal finance sections with a view to salting money away into legal tax avoidance schemes, yet no-one raises an eyebrow. A whole swathe of the economy is dedicated to making people's income and savings tax efficient. Banks try to minimise tax through entirely legal means and suddenly they're the Anti-Christ!

I'm not a great fan of the international banks, but I can't help feeling that the government is trying to ride the wave of anti-banking sentiment for populist political gain. Oh well, I suppose Jeremy Vine and his witless, pond-life, phone-in callers will resolve the issue.

Union leaders have called for civil disobedience during the olympics in support of the public sector. As if having the olympics in the UK isn't bad enough in itself. OK, I shall neither watch them nor enjoy them, risking prison in the process.

Guns 'n' Hacking @ the Oscars

2012-02-28T06:00:00.000Z

I hear GNR are to tour the UK. I guess that'll be another round of late appearances and no-shows then.

What's all this about Oscars being presented at Holyrood? Well, after the way Bravehart mangled history, I guess anything is possible.

£600k for Charlotte Church; rather a lot for someone accessing your voice-mail. Wish some bugger had hacked my phone.

Spotted the Sun on Sunday when collecting my Sunday paper at the newsagent. The headline was something like Amanda Holden: "My heart stopped for 40 seconds". Not long enough by far, if you ask me.

Progress:

All windows now in. They're plaster boarding the interior now. Exterior oak cladding ordered.

Educational Barriers

2012-02-26T08:36:00.000Z

Can someone please explain to me in words of one syllable why being poor is a barrier to academic achievement? Surely it has nothing to do with poverty per se, but the attitude of parents to education, and if a parent has no regard for education, then the only answer is to remove the child from the parent - which would cause untold psychological damage.

Great Ideas of the 21st Century

2012-02-25T07:35:00.001Z

Love it!

Continued

2012-02-24T08:01:00.004Z

The front of the house got the windows and doors treatment yesterday.

University Challenge

2012-02-23T07:54:00.001Z

Sir:

I have the perfect solution to the problem of not enough poor people getting into university; allow only the intelligent in (regardless of background), take all their money and then make them live on the streets. Voila - instant hordes of disadvantaged poor people in university, all of them clever too.

Yours etc.,

Chairman Bill

Old Sodbury

Chairman Bill is in Aberdeen for the rest of the week doing missionary work.

Coming Along Nicely

2012-02-22T06:04:00.000Z

Warning: the following contains scenes of a sexual nature, drug use and some violence.

Status as of yesterday evening.

The main doors and windows go in on the other side today (identical to the back). The rest of the green oak cladding is in the process of being ordered.

Downstairs in the central section is one huge feasting hall with a spiral staircase to upstairs; upstairs is one very large master bedroom, with a minstrel gallery at either end; left wing is kitchen (open to feasting hall) and separate utility room (for under-floor heating manifold and water tank); right wing is No.1 son's bedroom (was office, before he came to live with us).

Not the most economical use of space in terms of the number of rooms, but it's what we want - lots of open space and light, eco-friendly and self-sustaining.

Give the drought, we're thinking of making a lake around where the photo was taken. The ground is clay, thus it's entirely feasible.

One addition will be a separate cabin-office which can double as guest accommodation. but that will come much later.

Still haven't got a name for it. Any suggestions?

A Christian by Any Other Name...

2012-02-21T04:00:00.000Z

Did I hear correctly on he news this morning that Led Zeppelin have been put in charge of university admissions?

Apropos Sunday's post about outrage over something trivial becoming the new black for tossers; I note that the media watchdog, Ofcom, has said Jeremy Clarkson's tongue-in-cheek comment that striking public sector workers "should be shot" was not in breach of broadcasting rules. Public sector union ~~tossers~~ bosses had complained to the BBC that his comments were offensive. Thank God - sanity has prevailed!

Talking of God (again - but at least it generates comments); yesterday, Ermintrude suggested I was being somewhat presumptuous in assuming what Christians believe (the bit about the sins of the father being visited on the sons).

This argument assumes the atheist has no knowledge of Christianity; however, the vast majority of atheists were;

a) raised in one of the many Christian traditions, and
b) invariably attained enlightenment through critical analysis of religions - not just Christianity.

They therefore arguably have a deeper knowledge of religions in general – and Christianity in particular - than the average practising Christian, who has probably never read the bible from cover to cover and has no idea what the Nicene Creed is, let alone recite it.

Christianity contains within its mansion a plethora of rooms (to quote a 1st century itinerant sage) and it is impossible to develop a single list of dogmas on which all sects are agreed. During the early stages of Christianity there were long-running battles over such diverse matters as the divinity of Jesus (early Christians didn’t actually believe he was divine), the Trinity (an accretion brought about by the synthesis of Judaism and Greek philosophy) and whether X-Factor was better than Pop Idol, etc., resulting in almost daily mutual anathematisations and excommunications of various church fathers by other church fathers on an epic scale. To say the embryonic church was fragmented is an understatement, and it was precisely so because the Christ didn't leave any written records - after all, he didn't intend to found a new religion as he was a dedicated and practising Jew who preached nothing but compassionate Judaism.

This anarchy continued until Constantine, who saw in Christianity the potential for a state religion that reinforced the concept of the Imperium (it had an entire language for articulating the relationship of government and piety), thought enough was enough and instigated the Council of Nicea, where he got the competing beardies to agree on a single creed. Any sect not agreeing was declared heretic and bonfire fodder.

The next schism divided the church into Western and Eastern orthodoxy, from which many competing sects shot off at a tangent at light speed. Then came had the myriad strands of Protestantism, a number of which became as right-wing as orthodox Catholicism.

Today there are over 22,000 Christian denominations with another 5 being added each week. No wonder it’s impossible to define what a Christian actually believes!If one were to take all the professed Christians in the world and delete from the dogma each and every belief that the various churches choose to reject, and yet still call themselves Christian, you’d have no religion at all - or as we experts call it, Anglicanism.

The range of beliefs extends from those who profess biblical inerrancy (despite the many biblical paradoxes) to those who deny Christ’s divinity and resurrection, yet believe Christ had some important messages to give humanity (a bit like a 1st century hippy, man).

Thus to claim someone doesn't know what Christians believe is entirely true, as no-one knows without knowledge of the particular sect, or sub-sect, that a believer belongs to. To say you are a Christian is a bit like saying you’re a socialist – which means you could be a middle of the road democratic socialist (Anglican), or a communist (Catholic), or indeed a national socialist (Creationist).

I would posit that if Christians actually compared the dogmas of their espoused church with their own deeply held beliefs, it would dawn on at least half of them that they're actually in the wrong church. This is down to the fact you are in the church (or religion) you're in due to no other reason than the simple fact your parents were in it, and neither they nor you engaged in any critical thinking. You adopt the religion of your tribe and it's called cultural relativism.

Point out some logical fallacy or paradox in the dogma of a professed Christian and you'll immediately get the response that the person you're debating with naturally doesn't believe that particular dogma anymore. Another tactic is to declare than the NT trumps the OT; well, if that's the case, why have the OT as a sacred text at all? When all is said and done, the Torah was Christ's only reference and it's what he preached. His crime was to dis the Sanhedrin, who had become corrupt and drunk with spiritual power.

As I said yesterday, like a seasoned politician, the Christian will tend to move the cross (aka goalpost) as the case suits.

Skewered by a Wet Flannel

2012-02-20T06:00:00.000Z

Reports in the papers last week suggest Richard Dawkins was 'skewered' in a debate with Rev. Dr Giles Fraser on the Today Programme.

From what I heard, Dawkins had a lapse of memory over the subtitle of Darwin's 'On The Origin of Species'. Wow, what a 'victory'! Not exactly what I'd call an incisive intellectual skewering - we all suffer lapses of memory occasionally and of that's skewering, then I'm skewered about 3 or 4 times a day.

There again, any minor laurels - however tangential and obscure - will be pounced upon and hailed as a major victory by those who are losing a war and have urgent need of some diversionary propaganda with which to bolster the true believers. It's like the British understandably calling the Dunkirk evacuation a major victory.

One thing that can be said in Fraser's favour is that he campaigns for lesbian and gay inclusion within the church, and for that I heartily applaud him. Wonder where he stands on women bishops, or God for that matter.

Another line of attack was that of showing Dawkins' ancestors were engaged in the slave trade in the 18th century. Go back far enough and I'd probably be able to prove your ancestors engaged in a little recreational rape and pillage in Northumbria in the 8th and 9th centuries (especially if you're from Huddersfield) - but that doesn't necessarily make you a rapist. Hang on - it does in the eyes of Christians, because the sins of the father are visited on the sons, or some such dogmatic rot that's totally devoid of any objective evidence.

To hear of even one miniscule intellectual 'victory' on the part of the militant superstitionist brigade would be news indeed. As it is, they resort to northing more substantial than ad hominem attacks or moving the goalpost (or cross), which invariably signifies utter desperation and imminent collapse of the argument. It simply makes the attackers look stupidly smug, but not in the eyes of the true believer who displays the beatific smile of a drunk, or indeed an Ahmadinejad.

I'm Outraged and Offended

2012-02-19T06:10:00.000Z

Not sure what to be outraged by or offended about just yet, but I'm sure I'll find something. Apparently it's the new black for tossers who haven't got a life - and militant Christians (or are they the same thing?).

Funny, ain't it, how they've coined the derogatory term 'militant' secularist for those of us who simply don't want a particular brand of religion shoved down our throats at every conceivable opportunity outside the confines of a church. I think I'll start calling theists 'militant irrational supertitionists'. In the final analysis, religious dogma is merely a matter of opinion; the sheer number of mutually incompatible religions claiming 'revealed truth' proves that.

The apologists for religion are currently trotting out the fatuous homily that our laws are based on the Bible, or even Christianity. Utter tosh and an argument that is the last refuge of the faux Christian who doesn't know the 10 commandments.

There are only 3 of the 10 commandments which have any relevance to the laws of England - the one about murdering (which the church specifically allows under certain circumstances), the one about stealing and the one about bearing false witness (but that's only in a court of law). Every culture - even those without religion - have these same prohibitions, and I would posit they were appropriated from existing culture by the writers of the Bible and not something handed down by some Grand Poobah in the sky.

I defy anyone to show me an English law that upholds the other 7 commandments. No, in the words of Bertrand Russell: "You find as you look around the world that every single bit of progress of humane feeling, every improvement in the criminal law, every step toward the diminution of war, every step toward better treatment of the coloured races, or even mitigation of slavery, every moral progress that there has been in the world, has been consistently opposed by the organized churches of the world. I say quite deliberately that the Christian religion, as organized in its churches, has been and still is the principal enemy of moral progress in the world."

As tangible evidence of that, just look at the moral dilemma the church currently has over gays and women Bishops. I wonder if those councillors who want to say prayers before council meetings want to be able to blame God for the cuts? "Don't blame me guv' - I was being guided by God." The 'established' church is desperately trying hanging on to the establishment by the skin of its teeth in the face of total and irredeemable irrelevance.

Bit pissed off at the cat; she spends all night going in and out of the cat flap, but come daylight she miaows to be let out and back in again through the human flap - commonly called a door. Inexplicable. I'm outraged!

A Window on My Life of Prayer

2012-02-18T05:00:00.000Z

I see militant Christian, Cardinal Eric Pickles (the man who inexplicably claimed a 2nd home allowance for living in Brentwood, like many London commuters), is to enact powers allowing councils in England to hold prayer meetings.

Next he'll be enacting powers to force councils to hold them and then initiate the 2nd Inquisition - nobody expects the 2nd Inquisition. Amongst their weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to David Cameron, and nice red uniforms — oh damn!

The words silly, reactionary and dinosaur come to mind.

The first couple of windows went in yesterday. Rest to follow on Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday.

Solid, kiln-dreid oak brushed with Danish oil. Can't wait to see the green oak cladding in place.

Overheard by E-Mail

2012-02-17T06:00:00.000Z

Chairman's colleague: "I'm on my way to Schiphol airport."

Chairman: "Are you emailing while driving?"

Chairman's colleague: "Yes, but I keep one hand on the steering wheel."

Chairman: "It's safer to type with both hands - less risk of a spelling mistake."

Overheard While Objectifying Tiny State Exercise

2012-02-16T06:00:00.000Z

The Queen has been defending the state religion. Looking at the map of countries that actually have a state religion, it would seem we're in a pretty select bunch - most of them being theocracies. A bit anachronistic, to say the least.

17 frustrated harridans with faces like slapped arses have complained that a Ryanair advert objectifies women, resulting in the ads being banned. Wimmin, eh?

Meanwhile, researchers in Madagascar have discovered a tiny chameleon.

It is thought this little blighter was inexplicably incinerated shortly after the photo was taken.

You know how the politicos seem keen to import American solutions to binge drinking - like drunk tanks? You mark my words, Cameron et al will not rest until prohibition is enacted in the UK.

Overheard in the Caravan

Hay: "I think I should do some pilates."

Chairman: "Ain't that the chap who sent Jesus to the cross? Ever thought of tai-chi?"

Hay: "Nah - don't like Chinese food."

Oak Cladding in Memory Lane

2012-02-14T07:00:00.000Z

The burning question of the day is will Abu Qatada will actually get the England manager's job?

The builders managed to get the first lot of oak cladding applied to the gable ends of the house yesterday.

The extra addition under construction on the left is a late plan change to cater for the gubbins required to house the tank and manifold for the under floor heating. Without it, the kitchen space would have been seriously compromised.

This aspect also shows the solar PV panels on the south-facing roof and the two solar thermal ones on the east-facing roof of the kitchen (the latter replicated on the west roof).

All being well, the windows and doors go in at the end of the week and it will start to look more like a house than a derelict shopping centre.

Went on a walk down Memory Lane yesterday in London - or more precisely, the area around Minories and Tower Hill. Went to see a customer in Mint Court (where the old mint used to be), but wondered what the hell they were doing to the Tower of London.

Walked past the building where I used to work some 20-30 years ago - it's now all owned by a Danish company called Maersk, which now owns almost the entire maritime world.

Just up the road was the Castle pub, where I and my friends used to repair after work for a wee libation. The landlord was none other than Frank Mahoney, the boxing manager - before he went into boxing management.

Ronnie's Thornbury

2012-02-13T06:00:00.000Z

Time for another restaurant review.

We went out for dinner on Saturday evening to a little place in Thornbury called Ronnie's, which is an off-shoot of a popular restaurant in Clifton, Bristol.

We'd been there a couple of times before for lunch after weekend shopping, being well impressed; however, Saturday evening was perfection. I can honestly say Ronnie's is a treasure of a find and well worth a visit for any foodie.

I started with belly pork and scallops - not a combination you'd immediately think of. I was rather surprised to see a small slice of belly port and two scallops presented with a soy sauce reduction, especially as it was priced at an astronomic £11. However, it was heavenly and I didn't begrudge the price one bit.

My main course was calves liver - medium rare. Again, not a large portion, but exquisite as far as presentation and taste were concerned. Price was £18.

Hay started with fishcakes - 3 rather small balls of fishcake, but beautifully presented and pronounced lush.

Her main was a stone bass - again she could not fault the dish and declared it splendid. There was a small crispy something accompanying the fish; Hay couldn't tell what it was, but it tasted of the sea. The waiter informed us it was the fish skin, crisped. A wonderful little detail.

The cheeseboard comprised 3 very tiny slivers of wonderful, unpasteurised English cheeses - sublime at £6.75 (or thereabouts)!

Total price for 2 starters, 2 mains, 2 desserts, 3 glasses of wine, a bottle of Malbec and two coffees was £156, including 12% tip. Not bad really.

The staff are immaculately dressed, polite, knowledgeable, attentive and incredibly professional - a total delight to be waited on by. They are also predominantly foreign (foreigners seem to understand the catering trade so much better than Brits, don't you think?).

My only complaints would be:

The fact they automatically apply a 10% gratuity (I raised it to 12% as I was so impressed), and
They don't lay the table again once it has been vacated - if they did it would just make the place look a bit more welcoming (I don't like looking at bare tables as the night progresses).

Minor niggles and certainly nothing that would stop me going again. I would put Ronnie's on par with The Vine Tree in Norton. The former is fine dining, whereas the latter is more pubby - but both are have excellent food.

The owners of Ronnie's have got it just right - prices that are high, but not so high (given the quality and attention to detail) as to put you off. It's all about value for money and the dining experience.

Unholy Stink Like a Polecat

2012-02-12T08:00:00.000Z

Former Archbishop of Cadbury, Lord Carey, has said the Christian faith is facing "gradual marginalisation". He was referring to the court ruling that prayers as part of the official agenda of a council meeting are unlawful.

I'm not surprised Christianity is becoming marginalised, what with their internal squabbles over gender equality, sexuality, transubstantiation, evolution, heliocentrism, etc. - questions that secularists settled without recourse to the supernatural or tradition. If you ask me, Christians are marginalising themselves; they are becoming a small and very vocal anachronism, wanting to drag everyone kicking and screaming into the 17th century.

Kitty killed a stoat yesterday (or a weasel - can't tell the difference) and decided to bring it into the caravan as a present. Not sure if you've ever had a whiff of a stoat - they stink to high heaven. Kitty had managed to get some of the stink onto her.

England Manager Position Filled

2012-02-11T06:56:00.003Z

There are internet rumours that North Korean leader, Kim Jong-un, has been assassinated.

Chairman Bill can exclusively reveal that the real reason for Kim's disappearance is that he clandestinely flew to England for secret talks with the FA over his appointment as the new England Manager.

Kim enjoying a recent Spurs match

360 Degrees of Nonsense

2012-02-10T06:00:00.000Z

360 degree feedback. What's all that about then?

You're hardly likely to tell your boss what you think of him or his management style (unless you're having your exit interview and don't want a reference) and the majority of top flight bosses are by nature emotionally stunted, weapons-grade psychopaths (they need to be to have clawed their way to the top), so they don't give a toss what their staff think about them in the first place. Top management is known to be a favoured refuge for the charismatic, yet incompetent psychopath who craves the adrenalin rush of risk taking (witness the banking crisis).

360 degree feedback started in the German military during WWII - and they lost. It was then adopted by the Americans and turned into a management fad.

Mr President

2012-02-09T06:00:00.000Z

Is it my imagination, or are the Republicans viewing the nominations as a challenge to get someone even more stupid than Bush into the White House?

Overheard Monopoly on Bad Taste While Growing a Tamponade

2012-02-08T06:00:00.000Z

Overheard while watching "How to Grow a Planet"

Presenter: ".... our earliest ancestors, the monkeys."

No.1 Son: "Dad, do you believe in evolution?"

Chairman: "Certainly."

No. 1 Son: "Does that mean you're closer to being a monkey than me?"

Chairman: "Hmmmph..."

Overheard while watching Holby (a UK clinical drama).

Doctor Actor: "It's a cardiac tamponade!"

Chairman: "What's that?"

Hay: "It's a,,,..."

Chairman: "Condiment made from olives and ox heart?"

Ever noticed that when Arab potentates are seen schmoozing foreign diplomats, the furniture on which they sit and surrounds them appears to have been designed by someone with execrable taste? All glitzy and covered in white and gold brocade, with wood that can only be direct from a rather hideous repro furniture catalogue or the set of The Only Way is Essex.

Overheard While Flying in China

2012-02-07T06:00:00.000Z

Overheard while listening to a news item about the efficacy of intercessory prayer.

Hay: "From a scientific perspective, I have no problem in accepting that people of faith are healthier, in general, and live longer than people who have no faith."

Chairman: "Unless, of course, they were martyrs. Martyrs tended to have a relatively short life.

Take the time to have a look at these incredible videos of some guys flying.

Chinese Scenes from BASE-Book - Matt Gerdes on Vimeo.

Long-Lining from BASE-Book - Matt Gerdes on Vimeo.

Overheard Hotspot for Plan B

2012-02-06T06:00:00.000Z

Overheard in the restaurant:

Chairman: "You do know that I do it for you, don't you?"

Hay: "What?

Chairman: "Keep myself looking unattractive; it stops other women getting interested in me."

Hay: "I think I'd rather take the risk!"

The blog briefly became an internet hotspot On Saturday - I had some two and a half thousand hits. Investigation of the pages causing such a flurry of activity showed it was one with an image of the American actor, Ben Gazzara, who died on Friday. That image is apparently in the top line of a Google image search of the chap.

The builder started putting the oak cladding on one the the gable ends of the house on Thursday, but then hit a problem that he hadn't anticipated. This resulted in a day and a half's work going down the pan, him apologising profusely and refusing to take any payment for him of his other two chaps, despite Hay and I assuring him that the build was a leaning curve for us all and we had no problem with paying him. If only more tradesmen were like that.

Plan B goes into action today.

Talking of planning - I find it illogical that you're not allowed to change a Grade II listed building in any manner, even to bring the accommodation up to a decent standard; yet planning regulations forbid you to build a house with the kind of period features that Grade II listing stops you changing.

It's precisely a lack of planning regulations throughout the majority of England's existence that has created the wonderful architecture we have, and now planning regulations have left us with a myriad of hideously inadequate chicken coops.

Time for a Change - Corporately Speaking

2012-02-05T08:51:00.001Z

It seems to me that shareholders these days are more interested in the profits from buying and selling shares than the dividends. This can lead to market manipulation, short-termism and excessive risk-taking by the boards of companies.

Perhaps it's about time that something was done about this and punitively taxing share profits such that the focus goes once more on real profits, rather than ephemeral ones gained from share prices. It would certainly lead to less short-termism and more realistic corporate valuations.

Anyone got a counter-argument?

The Periodic Table Table

2012-02-04T06:00:00.000Z

Yes, you read right and I didn't mistakenly write table twice - and here it is:

It was made by a guy in the US, and you can read about it here. He has a really crappy website, but I love the concept. Strong within him the Force must be.

Would adore one for the new housebuild, especially as Hay is a biochemist, but she thinks it a bit faddy.

What's in a Word (of God) for Italians

2012-02-03T06:00:00.000Z

Some 120 Church of England clergy have written a letter to someone (it's not clear who, but probably someone in a frock and a pointy fascinator [and why does Blogger's spell-checker not recognise this word?]) saying civil partnerships should be facilitated in churches.

A few weeks ago, John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York, said that marriage is defined as a contract between a man and a woman and it is not for the state to 'dictate' the meaning of the word marriage.

Logically, and by implication, the Archbish must mean that the CoE should also not dictate the meaning of the word marriage - the church has no monopoly on the dictionary, nor the rite itself.

Commonly used words (unless scientific or professional) are not generally defined by institutions, but by popular use. Take the word 'gay', for example, or 'awful', the meanings of which have changed over time - the latter now meaning the total opposite of the original usage.

If the church defines marriage as being only between 'a' man and 'a' woman, does that mean Archbish Sentamu does not recognise polygamous Islamic marriages?

Perhaps the Archbish should invent his own word for his bigoted version of the marriage contract. Methinks he's a bit of a Cnut, who, as many will know, tried to turn back the waves under the inexorable onslaught of the tide....

Now, apropos of my little trip to Italy earlier in the week, I now present my homage to famous Italians:

Fabrizio

Biaggi

Rossi

Schettino

Overheard - Free, At A Cost

2012-02-02T06:00:00.000Z

Overheard in a conversation:

Her 1: "My sister works with autistic adults."

Her 2: "You mean men?"

Was in Rome earlier this week on a business trip. Stayed at a Sheraton and was rather unimpressed by the total lack of tea or coffee making equipment in the room.

To be fair, there was a sign saying that free tea or coffee could be delivered to the room - for the small cost of a 7 Euro delivery charge. I'd want a burger, some fries and a side salad for that!

Bastards!

Consistency of a Giraffe

2012-02-01T05:26:00.001Z

Fred "the Shred" Goodwin, the man who sank RBS, loses his knighthood, despite not having been found guilty of a crime in the courts.

Certain lords sitting in the upper house acted criminally (and still won't pay back illegally gained expenses), yet are still lords and no-one is clamouring for them to lose their titles.

Something not quite right here, surely? One rule for those who anger politicians and another for politicians. Populism of the worst kind, if you ask me.

Why is Sainsbury's making bread out of giraffes?

Overheard at Sainsbury's Doing Homework

2012-01-30T06:00:00.000Z

The Chairman, No. 1 Son, Hay and her dad are at the local Sainsbury supermarket:

Hay's Dad (aka Caravan): "I'm looking for one of those things that takes the air our of a part-drunk bottle of wine to stop it going off."

No. 1 Son: "Dad prefers something that takes the wine out of a part-drunk bottle of wine to stop it going off - he calls it a mouth."

No.1 son is reading out his history homework:

No. 1 Son: "And the Japanese view was ..... I can't read this - good grief, my writing is so neat now that I can't even read it anymore!"

Overheard in Aldi

2012-01-29T07:55:00.001Z

The Chairman and Hayley are in the Aldi supermarket checkout.

Hayley: “Can you quickly run and get one of those frozen turkey crowns – they’re excellent value and tasty?”

3 minutes later.

Chairman: “There aren’t any.”

Hayley: “I don’t believe you.”

Chairman: “Go and check yourself.”

3 minutes later

Chairman: “Told you so - you didn’t believe me.”

Hayley: “Of course not!”

Chairman: “Why?”

Hayley: “Well, what do you expect after the prawn fiasco?”

Political Hypocrisy

2012-01-28T06:16:00.000Z

The level of ignorance of some sections of the British population never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday I was reading some of the BBC News website comments about Stephen Hester’s £963k bonus. For a start, most of those expressing righteous indignation were under the impression that this guy was responsible for RBS’ collapse – they’d obviously never heard of “Fred the Shred”, nor that Hester was put in place to turn RBS around, which he seems to be doing.

Many lamented their paltry salary when compared with that of Hester – but not the comparative levels of responsibility, which makes their comparisons somewhat asinine.

Some went as far as to say he should be paid the equivalent of a nurse, in which case we’d any old Tom, Dick or Harry running our nationalised bank, with an application list as long as a queue comprising most of the working population of the UK. We could additionally say bye-bye to the £45bn RBS owes us.

Yet others were decrying the fact he got this bonus while making several thousand people redundant – well, how the hell does one turn an operation from making a loss to making a profit without getting rid of some people? It’s a bank, for God’s sake, not a workers’ co-operative. Even charities make people redundant in hard times.

The fact is that this bank went from losing £1.6bn a year to making 2bn – that is quite a transformation. It still, however, owes us £45bn. Fine – put a monkey in charge and pay him or her peanuts, but then don’t ever expect the £45bn to be repaid.

All the while, politicians of every hue are cynically scapegoating Hester for a contract they either oversaw or failed to regulate. I’m heartily sick of the hypocrisy of politicians and the knee-jerk reactions of union bosses.

Overheard in Davos

2012-01-27T06:00:00.000Z

No.1 Son: "Children don't cost that much - it's just food, water and clothes."

Chairman: "What about vet's bills? Hayley - have we arranged for him to be neutered yet?"

They're holding some economic mega-forum, where the fate if the universe will be decided on the basis of astrology, in a place called Davos. The place just sounds incredibly evil, doesn't it?

Talking of money, the political parties are busy blaming each other for the £1m bonus that the Royal Bank of Scotland Boss is to contractually receive. At the same time, he's being told he needs to: "Think like a public servant who has a duty to his country, not just his own wealth." I guess that means he should go on strike.

Pointless in Scotland

2012-01-26T06:00:00.000Z

Those little coats for dogs; what the hell is the point?

If they came with pockets where dogs could keep their loose change, smoking implements and condoms then fine, but otherwise they are totally useless in the British climate - arguably in any climate. It may have escaped some dog owners, but most animals come with built-in coats.

Just because you're a bit chilly, it doesn't mean to say your pooch is. More than likely he will be highly embarrassed in front of his mates with one of these daft coats on.

The chap above's doggy kilt reminds me that Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond, has set out the question he intends to ask voters in a referendum on independence. While I firmly believe people should be democratically free to vote for whatever they desire, my own question would be: "Why?"

Reading this analysis of the benefits, it seems to me that the key benefit is 4,500 more jobs for politicians and the like - and I'd call that more a drain than a possible benefit. This would be off-set by an additional 7,000 private sector jobs - and they'd need at least that many to fund the first 4,500. Like hosting the Olympics, independence is something that's driven more by bare emotion than logic - Salmond knows that and plays to it.

I could understand it if the drive for independence was driven by a memory of independence, but the last time the place was independent was 300 years ago, and the Scots are not exactly an oppressed minority. Silly, blatant jingoism.

New Job

2012-01-25T08:44:00.003Z

The ex captain of the Costa Concordia, Francesco Schettino, started his new job as a bus driver yesterday.

Thanks to my mate Phil for this.

Human Shields on Sepia Tuesday in Holland

2012-01-24T06:07:00.000Z

The bishops are saying the coalition government must ensure that the proposed benefit cap doesn't put children into poverty. While I agree, methinks a small number of feckless parents who have never worked hide behind a human shield of tens of children.

Following from Sunday's post (and Alan Burnett's suggestion that I might be joining Sepia Saturday), I've posted another photo received from my Dutch cousin in France.

This one shows me with (left to right) cousins Joopie, Nan (who sent me the photo and is the elder sister of Joop), Henny and my elder brother Jan. It must have been taken in around 1957, possibly in Vlaardingen (on the outskirts of Rotterdam).

Only one Dutch cousin is missing - the other Joopie, Henny's younger brother.

My brother was originally also called Joopie (the diminutive of Joop - short for Johannes), but on moving to the UK my mother changed it to his 2nd forename of Jan (after my dad), as the kids at school kept calling him Dopey Joopie.

Unbalanced Advertising

2012-01-23T08:32:00.001Z

I hear that following the PIP breast implant debacle, the plastic surgeons' professional body wants to stop the advertising of 2 for 1s.

I trust they are not referring to breast implants, where I would expect a client would be offered 2 for 1 as standard.

Dutch Cousins

2012-01-22T10:59:00.004Z

I have been talking via FaceBook to my long-lost Dutch cousin who has lived in France for many years. She and I have shared some family history - specifically photos. She has some I had never seen and I have some she had never seen.

We're going to arrange a family reunion of the English, Dutch and French contingents over the next 12 months.

This one is one she gave me and is of my grandfather and grandmother - or opa and oma. Opa was born in 1882 and died in 1947.

Salad Days in Irish Chipping Sodbury

2012-01-19T03:16:00.000Z

I'm really impressed by Israeli wines. They don't go in for bulk production, being mainly made by small, boutique vineyards. Being limited in production they aren't cheap, but of exceedingly good quality.

I can particularly recommend last night's libation - Binyamina Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon 2007, which accompanied my lamb kebabs and roasted vegetables.

Having starved since the previous night, I ordered what was shown on the menu as lamb kebabs with salad, thinking it would be just a small dish. Wasn't expecting the feast that came. Only managed about half of it before feeling fully sated.

A hideously healthy concoction of seared egg plant with tahini, a very nice avocado and garlic dip, a platter of roasted peppers, sweet potato and fennel, marinated sweet peppers, marinated tomatoes, deep-fried potatoes and bread to die for. Total bill, 139 Shekels, or £23.68, including the half bottle of wine.

Eat an Israeli salad and you'll never touch a Greek salad again; a plethora of different compositions, each having multiple, complex layers of flavours and comprising a cornucopia of vegetables. Greek salads are quite pedestrian and bland by comparison.

Israeli food has so many influences; Mediterranean, Arab, Ethiopian, eastern European, Berber and western European - as many as the peoples that came together to forge Israel.

Talking of food, Hay and I are attending an Irish-themed (don't ask) Chipping Sodbury Yacht Club Burns Night dinner on Saturday evening. Dress is meant to be a melange of Scots and Irish, but I don't have anything suitable. Thinking of going in a DJ and tarting up my travel bum-bag as a make-shift sporran. It promises to be a raucous night, and if you know Chipping Sodbury Yacht Club, you'll know why - a condition of membership is that you cannot own a boat or have pretensions to becoming a member of a real yacht club. The annual regatta held on the river Frome (a stream at best and a puddle in droughts) is a sight to behold.

Caesar Salad

2012-01-18T04:27:00.000Z

About 20 of us went out for a meal in the old port of Caesarea last night (it’s a ruin which has been partially reconstructed as a tourist attraction and houses a couple of restaurants). I always return from one of these Israeli dinners feeling hungrier than when I first went out.

You get a variety of disgustingly healthy small courses which don’t really add up to much and are shared between three or four of you. Not wanting to appear greedy, the natural British tendency is to restrain oneself and take only a small amount from the shared plate.

I’d rather have a mountain of steak I can call my own and fill my belly, but there again I am trying to lose some weight while here for the week by cutting down dramatically on what I eat.

Leave it to Mum

2012-01-17T04:33:00.002Z

Israel / Iran

2012-01-16T08:59:00.002Z

Flying out to Israel today for our 2012 kick-off sales meeting at HQ. Just hope the Israelis don't decide to have a go at Iran till after I return on Friday.

Overheard in the Pub

2012-01-15T08:13:00.003Z

The Chairman is explaining to friends the vagaries of life in the caravan.

Chairman: “Before our second winter in the caravan we installed a log burner.”

Phil N: “Burning coal?”

Ted B (an American): “Can you burn coal?”

Our Generation Didn't Have the Green Thing in its Day

2012-01-14T06:30:00.000Z

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own shopping bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."The cashier responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, pop bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every shop and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the county of Yorkshire . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the post, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank water from a fountain or a tap when we were thirsty instead of demanding a plastic bottle flown in from another country. We accepted that a lot of food was seasonal and didn’t expect that to be bucked by flying it thousands of air miles around the world. We actually cooked food that didn’t come out of a packet, tin or plastic wrap and we could even wash our own vegetables and chop our own salad. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the tram or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mothers into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart-ass young person.

A Scot by Any Other Name

2012-01-13T05:59:00.000Z

I’ve been listening to this argument about the mechanics and timing of the vote over Scotland seceding from the Union.

What exactly is a Scot; is it someone who was born there? If so, then some 15% of Scots won’t be eligible to vote anyway, as they live south of the notional border – or indeed abroad.

Concomitantly, if the definition is those individuals who live there, then those Sassenachs who live in Scotland (of which there are quite a few) will have the right to vote.

One thing can be guaranteed if Scotland does secede – nothing will change. In the words of the prophet, it's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world.

The Nobs of Tesco

2012-01-11T05:00:00.000Z

It had to happen! Poor bugger...

Was watching an item about wind turbines on the local news last night. Some entrepreneur wants to put a half dozen of these inefficient eyesores up somewhere in Wiltshire. The local BBC reporters put up a local nob who owns a castle as the opposition. He said it would ruin his view and reduce his profits from visitors. Methinks the BBC knew exactly what they were doing. Planning Approved!

The Impact of a Breath of Culinary Fresh Air on Celebs

2012-01-10T06:00:00.000Z

Anthony Worrall-Thompson, the celebrity chef whose restaurant empire almost collapsed in 2009, has admitted to shoplifting from my old Tesco just outside Henley.

What a breath of fresh air - he's held up his hands, admitted he was in the wrong, apologised to all concerned and had his rights banged up to whatever rights are banged up to these days. Not at all like the mealy-mouthed MPs and Lords who were caught with their hands in the till and tried to argue that what they did was not expressly forbidden.

Well done Mr Worrall-Thompson - you've gone up in my estimation. Let's hope a few more take a lead from your example. However, nicking Tesco cheese? No wonder he's made an undertaking to seek help with his affliction.

On the other scale of events, Beyonce has apparently given birth to a daughter. That news made my day - it's a fact I was waiting on tenterhooks to know. I sometimes feel my sad, pathetic existence is not fulfilled if I don't get my daily dose of the minutest domestic revelations of celebrities and their tawdry, self-absorbed lives.

Ever noticed how many people are 'impacted' these days, rather than being simply affected by something, especially in public service?

Oh, Just Bugger Off Mr MP

2012-01-09T09:15:00.003Z

Humanity had been mucking about and pleasuring itself with alcohol for several millenia before MPs were even invented (and I still think they're a pretty bad invention). So why do these recent upstarts insist on trying to tell us how much booze is good for us?

Customer Choice

2012-01-08T07:58:00.000Z

A friend sent me this:

Click on it to enlarge.

It's a little inaccurate around the hummus area.

The Breasts of Ed Who?

2012-01-07T08:08:00.000Z

There's a news story saying that Ed Miliband has a plan for Labour. That may be well and good, but can anyone tell me who Ed Miliband actually is? The name sounds familiar from way back, but I just can't remember in what context.

Ref all these exploding breasts - can men get breast implants if their moobs are sagging a bit? It may have saved a lot of effort if all breast implants had chips placed inside them during manufacture, like the ones used to chip dogs and cats. A quick swish with a chip reader and one would get an instant readout of manufacturer, date of manufacture, batch number, etc. of your plastic doll.

70cl of Spontaneous, Sacred, Recruitment Dinner

2012-01-06T06:00:00.001Z

Anyone know where the 70cl bottle came from? A curious measure, would you not agree? The litre makes infinitely more sense.

Bloody recruitment wallahs are going bonkers at present. I’ve been contacted about 20 times over the last few days asking if I’m looking for staff – what planet are these buggers on? If I have to tell another recruitment consultant that there’s a recession on, I’ll explode!

I wonder what Stephen Hawking’s domestic conversation is like? He must surely have to spend half an hour programming in everything he says? Must be useful if he’s asked to wash the dishes – he’ll answer half an hour after the question was first asked, by which time his Mrs (if she’s anything like Hayley) will have done it anyway. I suppose spontaneous conversation is out of the question.

Was watching a program on TV last night called Earthflight – one of those natural history jobs that is so excellently done by BBC Bristol. How religious folk can say that life is sacred is incomprehensible – life is in fact nothing but some other creature’s dinner.

TESCO Rip-Off For Christ

2012-01-05T06:11:00.000Z

70cl Gordon's gin £12; 100cl Gordon's gin £20.89 - go figure. I guess they must have a glut of the 70cl bottles and aren't cynically exploiting the public's usual and quite justified perception that buying larger amounts means it's cheaper per unit.

American politicians really give me a belly laugh. A Republican contender (don't ask me which - they all look like identical plastic dolls) in one of the recent count-off thingies, that seem to go on for at least 10 years before an election, publicly thanked God for his win and then went on to accuse Obama of trying to bring in European style social systems, whereby money is taken from some to give to others - namely from the rich and to the needy.

One wonders what his hero Jesus would have said. America must have the highest numbed of non-Christian Christians on earth.

Renewables

2012-01-04T06:00:00.000Z

Thinking of powering the solar PV panels with coal.

Apocalypse Now

2012-01-03T03:48:00.002Z

Overheard in the caravan:

No. 1 son is checking his homework.

No. 1 Son: “Did I spell apocalypse right?”

Chairman: “No!”

No. 1 Son: “OK, OK, it’s not the end of the world though!”

Saw Ray Winstone on TV again last night in the final Indiana Jones film. Guess who he was portraying? Yes, you guessed it - Ray Winstone - or rather a mix of Abel Magwitch, Quintus Arrius, Beowulf, one of King Arthur’s comrades and every other role he’s ever had.

Badger Police

2012-01-02T08:42:00.001Z

I sometimes despair of police-speak. A man was fatally stabbed at a party in Bedfordshire and the police said: “We are treating the death as suspicious.” How else would they be treating it, for God’s sake?

It’s a pity that the only film roles for badgers are in films about Narnia and Tales of the Riverbank. You never see them in soaps, which may be due to the dark forces of speciesism being at work.

Films, Films, Films

2012-01-01T06:56:00.000Z

I was watching Ray Winstone playing the part of Quintus Arrius in Ben Hur on TV yesterday, having also watched him playing the part of Abel Magwitch in the TV adaptation of Great Expectations over the Christmas week.

Now Winstone is a very versatile actor and, having seen him in films such as King Arthur and Beowulf, I’m constantly amazed at his ability to project the character of Ray Winstone on all his on-screen personas and his habit of making them look and sound like east end villains.

I watched the film ‘The Queen’ on TV yesterday afternoon, which for those who haven’t watched it is about the aftermath of the death of Diana. I still can’t understand how the nation suddenly went all flaky and grief-stricken over Diana’s death; she was nothing more than a celeb who courted celebs and the press. It was as if the British suddenly lost their backbone. I blame the abolition of conscription, which seems to have bred a generation of self-obsessed imbeciles for whom watching X-Factor is the height of intellectual endeavour.

While I cannot condone what Prince Charles did to Diana, we nonetheless witnessed the birth of celebrity worship and the cretinisation of the British public.

Well, 2012 may eventually see The Chairman completing the house build and moving in, although I wouldn’t place bets on it, as I’m sure we’ve grossly underestimated many of the expenses; however, I can live in hope. I was so disappointed by the TV schedule last night that I turned in at 8pm and was asleep by 8:30 (having few friends and being a tad grumpy, I received no invitations to New Year parties).

It's All About Me, Me, Me

2011-12-31T07:59:00.001Z

Another year is about the start.

Economists have become the new gurus and shamen of society; economics the new religion.
Marriage is used by celebrities to draw attention to themselves; and cynically cast aside once the objective has been achieved.
Avarice and greed is as prevalent as ever in all corners of society.
Ex gang member, Kim Jong-un, named as knight commander of the army in New Year Honours List.

May I wish you all a peaceful and contented New Year.

The Political Message

2011-12-30T06:00:00.002Z

Ed Miliband says in his new year message that the Labour Party must show there is an alternative to rising unemployment and falling living standards – namely strikes and double pay!

Cameron will respond on behalf of the Tories by saying that if every working person shot an unemployed or poor person, poverty and unemployment would be eliminated.

Glegg will go on holiday to somewhere warm.

Prince Kim

2011-12-29T08:04:00.004Z

Am I the only one to think it strange that Prince Philip was only let out of hospital just before Kim Il Jong’s funeral?

Was Kim’s brain removed before brain death occurred, chilled and then transplanted into the body of Prince Philip shortly after he was admitted to hospital?

Too much of a coincidence, if you ask me.

Automotive Life in the Cotswolds

2011-12-28T07:18:00.000Z

The aftermath of Boxing Day at the local roundabout. Obviously someone decided to have a bit of a race along the dual carriageway.

This chap obviously didn't consult the dictionary before advertising his chimney wares on his van.

Heard someone on the radio just now say that risk has become a 4 letter word for business. As far as I know, it has always been a 4 letter word. A bit like Flus - whatever that may be.

The Death of Cheese

2011-12-27T07:32:00.000Z

Don’t you just hate being served supermarket stilton straight from the fridge? Unless left out at room temperature for a few days, supermarket stilton tastes like soap. Supermarkets, and some eating establishments, seem oblivious to the fact cheese is a living thing and, like most living things, needs a modicum of warmth to remain alive.

Thick as a Christmas Pudding

2011-12-26T08:37:00.000Z

I was listening to some woman on the radio this morning telling us that because people still engage in fox hunting, the ban on hunting animals from horseback should be repealed, as it's plainly not working.

That's a bit like saying the laws against murder should be repealed as people are still murdered. Can't help but think the people who support fox hunting from horseback are a bit thick - or desperate.

Seems tube drivers are joining the ranks of rioters and bankers as some of the most hated people in the UK due to them bringing London to a halt today in pursuit of triple pay for working today (payment for working today is already accounted for in their salary). I suggest that instead, London Underground make both Christmas Day AND Boxing Day non-travel days (it's not as if the population couldn't handle it), and deduct an extra day's pay from the drivers' salaries. If they don't want to work on Boxing Day, then don't force them - but don't pay them either.

All that Glisters

2011-12-25T06:40:00.000Z

You know those reclining chairs that are always being advertised on TV for people with bad backs? Why do the manufacturers insist on covering them in fabrics that are so hideous you can only find them on market stalls?

I see Prince Philip decided to stay in hospital rather than gathering with that viper’s nest, lovingly referred to as the bosom of the family. Can’t say I blame him – I’d rather be in a private room with my every whim being catered for – oh, hang on, doesn’t he get that anyway wherever he is?

The Pope, resplendent in his glittering, bejeweled, red and cream, rhinestone-encrusted robes, complained last night about all the Christmas glitter. If the Roman Catholic church is known for one thing (other than systematic child abuse and its support for totalitarianism), it’s camp glitter and overbearing pomp.

In his Christmas sermon, the Archbishop of Cadbury will lament the abuse of trust. Perhaps he was talking about the Catholic church.

I wonder when the supermarket bosses are going to come out with Christmas sermons berating the church’s over-spiritualisation of Christmas and its incessant focus on non-existent folk magic.

I seriously think it's about time that the mid-winter festival got back to its roots - a celebration centred on community, feasting and the giving of presents to lift our spirits and gird us for the remaining few dark months till spring arrives once more.

Off to buy myself a wassail.

Solar Powered Bums & Breasts

2011-12-24T06:19:00.003Z

We are now generating solar electricity, but it’s not actually productive yet as it’s not hooked up to anything.

Yesterday I was pondering on why the human is the only mammal that wipes its bum. I reached the conclusion that it must be because of all the crap (if you’ll forgive the analogy) the average digestive system and lower intestine has to put up with – more so these days than hundreds of years ago. A bit of an indictment on the modern diet, I’d say.

Apropos of the above, it seems that TV over this year’s festive period has nothing to offer but programmes about how to make a turkey dinner. Every celebrity chef in the country seems to be cashing in on the act. The rest of the schedule comprises Christmas editions of the vacuous game shows that are on the box every day of the week, or the same old hackneyed films that appeal only to the morbidly dull or very young children (solely on the basis that they've never seen them before). Even the Royal Society's Christmas lectures have, in succeeding years, been relegated to ever more obscure channels - I'm not even sure they're on TV this year (they've probably been replaced by a vapid, so-called 'documentary' on a day on the life of an Eddie Stobart truck - riveting!) TV these days panders to the lowest common denominator - i.e. those who would be intellectually challenged by a Christmas card.

The irony of this debacle over illegal French breast implants is that women have these things inserted into their bodies in the belief it makes them more attractive to men, but I think the majority of men would actually be put off by the knowledge that a woman had prosthetic augmentation – I know I would - I'd feel short changed. The mere fact a woman would contemplate it would be enough to put me off.

What's the betting that Prince Philip will be either driving a horse and carriage around Sandringham like a maniac by teatime, or dead?

I want to take this opportunity to wish all my readers a very happy Yuletide, or if any are practising Christians (there may still be one or two), a merry Christmas.

Common Dictatorial Currency of Praise

2011-12-23T05:51:00.000Z

Here’s a novel idea; I propose a currency union between England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. However, in order to work this would require a political union between the 4 countries. The obstacles to that are Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Should Scotland secede from the Union, I wonder what the currency would be and how stable it would prove. Perhaps they could peg it to the deep-fried Mars Bar.

Northern Irish? It would have to be the Euro.

The Welsh could go back to a man’s worth being defined by the size of his flock of sheep.

Heard this on the interweb yesterday; some bloke was chatting to his sister in Welsh on his mobile phone when someone started pointing and shouted; “It's because of you bloody Poles that we can't get jobs in our own country!"

The Iraqis seem intent on murdering each other now the American have left. At least they’re doing it democratically and in the name of God. Although hang on – anything done in the name of God is usually totalitarian in design. What they need is a strong dictator to impose peace and stability, someone like - oh I don’t know - Saddam Hussein (to pick a random name from the air).

Could have sworn I saw an image of the face of Kim Jong Il on my piece of toast this morning. The birds were definitely all singing his praise.

Partnership Issues of Celebs

2011-12-22T06:04:00.000Z

Could a bloke who is married to a woman called Sybil be said to be in a Sybil partnership?

Is it a sign of getting old when you don't recognise half the celebs John Colshaw & Co are doing impression of?

Ethics of Denial Policing in Munich

2011-12-21T06:29:00.000Z

I was listening to the theoretical physicist Jim Al Kalili interviewing Lord Robert Winston on Radio 4 yesterday morning as part of the Life in Science series. When questioned on ethics, Winston said that science graduates should be taught ethics in the same manner it comprises part of the medical degree. I agree, but I also think theology students destined for the church should be taught ethics in a manner in which the subject actually sinks in.

Rock star Jon Bon Jovi has apparently denied reports that he is dead. Well, of course he'd deny it, but I'm afraid I simply don't believe him...nor do I believe Piers Morgan.

The Joe Stalin Wing of the Inspectorate of Constabulary has said that police should have filled the arsonists during the summer rioting in England with lead and just mowed them down. It is believed they also recommend the waterboarding of suspects - and by 'suspects' they meant anyone within a 50 mile radius.

Meanwhile every insurance salesman under the sun has sent their cv to Munich Re in the hope of getting a job there.

I see Argentina is flexing its muscles again over the Falklands. While espousing human rights, the Argentine president is seeking only to establish sovereignty over the natural resources and to hell with the locals. The following chart shown the limit of the Argentine claim (you might have to click on it to enlarge).

Unstable, Alcoholic, Married Women

2011-12-20T05:44:00.000Z

You know how women, even if they're incredibly tall, all have smaller feet than the equivalent sized man? Well, I was arguing with Hay (who is 6 feet tall and a size 6) that this must make then inherently unstable.

Hay replied that women have a lower centre of gravity than men and this must surely compensate for the instability.

What's your opinion?

I see Cameron is intent on injecting some quantitative easing into the divorce courts by encouraging happily unmarried couples to put pecuniary advantage to the fore through tax incentives if they marry. What a silly man! Everyone knows the divorce courts are rife with married couples and that unmarried couples never divorce.

Talking of statistics; it is said that 25% of all road accidents involve alcohol. That must logically mean that 75% must involve water, tea, coffee or soft drinks. A sobering thought in this festive season!

The builders have been busy for the last week putting the electrics in the house. Within the next couple of days we're expecting delivery of some 4kWs of solar PV panels and the makings of the under floor heating system. The builder swears we'll be able to move in within 3 months, albeit into an unfinished house, but I doubt it somehow. I'm bargaining on another year in the caravan.

Ripping-off Yarns

2011-12-19T06:05:00.000Z

Do Kindle books come in hardback and paperback versions, and if so, are they priced differently?

I was reading an article which claims that Kindle e-books are 9% more expensive than the equivalent paper book, rising to 11% when only paperbacks are considered.

It's the Economy, Stupid!

2011-12-18T06:15:00.002Z

An open-air market in Salford has been closed because more fake goods were being sold than legitimate products. Experts say this illicit trade costs the UK economy around £1.3bn a year. Items being sold at the market included fake branded clothing, designer jewellery and GHD hair straighteners.

What I can't understand is this supposed economic cost of £1.3bn that these experts claim, as the people who buy the fake stuff at knock down prices are highly unlikely to buy the genuine article in the first place - especially in Salford. For example, a genuine pair of these hair straighteners are about a hundred quid, which is obscene.

The action of closing down the market is to actually take some £2m out of the economy (the value of the goods seized), and the reason the market was closed is due to copyright infringement, not because of an illusory and non-existent cost to the economy.

The irony is that the economy has actually suffered because the market was closed down, and those selling the counterfeit goods will now be drawing Jobseekers' Allowance - mind you, they were probably drawing it already.

The double irony is that these counterfeit goods are cheap, shoddy copies of what are invariably expensive, shoddy items.

Are we the only people not to have watched Strictly Come Dancing last night?

Judge Not

2011-12-17T06:44:00.007Z

Bishop David Cameron has said the UK is a Christian country and we should not be afraid to say so.

In a speech in Oxford on the 400th anniversary of the King James Bible, the bishop minister called for a revival of traditional Christian values to counter Britain's moral collapse.

I guess he means those traditional Christian values of homophobia, bigotry, self-righteousness, intolerance and selectively adhering only to those bits of The Christian Law (i.e. Bible) that support your bigoted position.

What about the moral collapse in the Catholic church with all the child abuse that's been going on? Oh, I forgot, they're Catholics and not Protestant.

As for the UK being a Christian country, under 10% attend church.

I do wish politicians would not huff and puff with outraged moral indignation and look to cleaning the Augean stables within their own houses first.

The UK is a mish-mash of different religions, agnostics and atheists. A country develops from the nature of its people, not the people from a nostalgic, chocolate-box vision of the country a few centuries ago. Cameron sounds like King Cnut.

I Is Not Understandings You Good

2011-12-16T06:22:00.002Z

Have just returned from another of those interminable trips to a Mediterranean country that is having problems with its debt.

I am continually amazed at how foreigners with an execrable command of English manage to make other foreigners with an equally bad command of English understand them.

Imagine the scenario - two chaps of different nationalities, neither of whose English could even vaguely be called passable, chatter away in English and make themselves fully understood to the other. I'm sitting there totally bemused, not understanding even the gist of the conversation and nodding sagely.

Incroyable, as they say in France. Must be something to do with the grammar of their respective languages being similar, hence they both make the same mistakes.

Some councils have been caught out by the snow; hardly surprising really, it is only mid December after all and it's not as if snow would be expected.

God Particle Found

2011-12-15T07:17:00.003Z

I think I've found the God Particle.

Look very closely at the space between the hands below - focus carefully - and you'll just about see it. No - it's not that bit of cough on your computer screen, or that bit of dust. Look closer!

There you go....

Compensation Culture

2011-12-14T06:22:00.002Z

There's a bit of irony in the human body - as you get older, your ears continue to grow, thereby theoretically giving you better hearing; however, you slowly go deaf too. I suppose it could be evolutionary compensation at work.

Two Europes Sarkozy

2011-12-13T06:10:00.002Z

Sarkozy says there are now two Europes - if you ask me, they are the one that is about to embark on the Titanic and the one that is staying behind on the dock in Southampton.

Basically both positions are a gamble and no-one can be certain what will happen; however, history is against the Euro working, and if there's one thing politics can teach you, it is that history has a habit of repeating itself.

I can't help feeling that European politics and economics is heavily infected by Groupthink with no-one (except the UK) being prepared to point out that the Emperor has no clothes.

Installation Pudding

2011-12-11T06:29:00.002Z

Installing a printer driver used to take a few second; now it's a whole afternoon. Why is this? Are programmers becoming a tad cavalier with the exponential increase in disk capacity and lax in tight programming?

Touts are being vilified for buying Heston Blumenthal's Xmas puddings in bulk from Waitrose and selling them on t'internet for £200 odd. I'd call them entrepreneurs for spotting a gap in the market and selling them to sad people obsessed with celebrity culture. Anyone who is willing to pay £200 for a pudding that costs £13 in Waitrose needs their bumps read - in fact anyone who is willing to pay £13 for a pudding is a tad deranged.

That being said, it could also be said that the touts are preying on the feeble minded.

Counterfeit Reality

2011-12-10T06:41:00.004Z

Saw an item on the local news the other night about the sale of counterfeit tobacco. Can there be such a thing? If it ain't tobacco then what is it? Lettuce? As if a smoker couldn't tell the difference. What they probably mean is counterfeit brands of tobacco - fake Rothmans and the like, but still made of baccy. The correct term should be illegal tobacco.

The push against such cigarettes is being made on health grounds. Eh? The bloody things kill you anyway, so how is a packet of fags with a fake label going to make it any worse?

A doctor was interviewed and said that much of this counterfeit tobacco came from Africa and was stored in warehouses, such warehouses having rats, which means the liberal application of rat poison that could get into the product. Well hang on, Zimbabwe is something like the word's 5th largest producer of tobacco - that surely means that all its tobacco is laced with rat poison, no matter where it goes - genuine or fake products.

China and India are No.1 and No.2 in terms of production; are we meant to believe there are no rats in China or India?

Additionally, makers of 'fake' products aren't going to go to the trouble of filling them with the 70 odd chemicals Imperial Tobacco put in their products to make them burn better; it would simply cost too much. In all likelihood they're more pure than the 'genuine' article - possibly even 'organic'.

I somehow suspect this is really to do with lost tax revenue and nothing whatsoever to do with the health benefits of genuine fags versus their fake counterparts. The authorities must think we have the intelligence of a root vegetable.

What's in a Name in European Judea?

2011-12-09T06:00:00.001Z

Apropos of yesterday's post about signs; as we live in an area where houses have just names and no numbers, we've been debating for some time a name for the newbuild. The working name to date has been Badger's End, Badger being the nick-name Hayley gave me years ago due to my beard being shaded like a badger's face - although it has since become more small, white polar bear than badger, perhaps Arctic badger.

Due to the houses in our vicinity having no numbers, finding the place is fraught with difficulty for those not familiar with the area - like ambulances, the fire services and anyone who may have occasion to find the house in a bit of a hurry.

Couriers especially have issues with houses in our location (houses with no numbers were the bane of my life when I drove as a courier during a brief period of being 'between jobs'). Even a satnav programmed with our postcode results in couriers grounding their car sumps on a nearby unmade road resembling a glacial moraine and deliveries being deposited with anyone in a half mile radius.

When we had the scaffolding up on the house last year, the scaffolding company put a white plastic sign at the end of our track by the main road advertising their wares. It said "Budget Scaffolding, Yate". Once the scaffolding was removed they left the sign, and as it was a useful landmark for people trying to find the house, we left it where it was.

We're now thinking of leaving it there for good and amending it to read "Bagget Scarfold", being a suitably pompous name for the house. The scaffolding holding the sign up may have to go, however, as they are redolent of an industrial unit. The lettering on the example will need changing too, else it would look like a ransom note.

If closer European integration is the solution, what is the problem? No, European integration itself is the problem, the only solution being for Europe to split along cultural and economic lines. Besides, they have some really bitter winters in Europe - I certainly don't want any of that, so it's better we stay out of any pact and stick to British winters, which are much milder.

Why is it that every parent who has ever had a child in a school nativity play dresses their kid like a comedy Arab with a dressing gown and a tea-towel? I guess we've been fooled by all those quaint Victorian Bible images.

Sign of the Times - Tally Ho!

2011-12-08T05:27:00.000Z

The Beaufort Hunt met in Chipping Sodbury yesterday - there must have been about 50 horses, at the very least. Made a hideous mess of the road with all the horse muck.

They normally meet about once a year outside the eponymous Beaufort Hunt pub on the High Street, but for some reason this time they met across the road outside the Nat West Bank. It could be a sign of the times, demonstrating a new sponsor, or possibly because most of them are bankers (who else can join hunts these days?).

I was going to follow them along the aptly named Horse Street, but they perversely went down Hatter's Lane instead. Pure madness!

On the way home to Old Sodbury I took a detour into the countryside (Little Sodbury, Little Sodbury End, Sodbury cum Hardy, Sodbury on the Wold, etc.) and espied scores of horse spotters keen to get a glimpse of them. They cluttered up the back lanes something awful, what with their horse boxes and 4x4s.

Just managed to get our application in yesterday for the feed-in tariff before the government deadline - the website kept crashing with the final rush.

Air source heat pump, 1,000 litre tank, 3kW solar PV array, some thermal solar panels (the radiator type) and under floor heating - all for £37k, allowing for the government grant of £850. It would probably cost double as a retro-fit.

Talking to the salesman, the companies selling this kit make about 7% margin, which is nothing.

Cash Stash

2011-12-07T06:33:00.002Z

Which is better in a recession; to spend your stash (if you have one) and get the money into the economy, or leave it in the bank where it can be lent to business to expand - or at least weather the storm?

The Irony of Road Deaths

2011-12-06T06:13:00.001Z

Ever considered the irony contained in the phrase; "Let's lay all our cards on the table"?

Think about it....

The image below shows all the road deaths in our area between 1999 and 1010. Looks like we're in Death Central.

Beggaring Belief

2011-12-05T06:00:00.002Z

The Royal Mail has warned staff not to accept Christmas gifts valued at more than £30 for fear of bribery charges.

What on earth would you bribe your postie to do? Deliver your mail to next door? Not deliver your junk mail?

What Goes Around Comes Around

2011-12-04T07:22:00.005Z

Bank of England governor, Mervyn King is being lambasted by politicians and business leaders alike for his gloomy economic prediction of last week, which detractors say is leading to a loss of confidence in markets and consumers.

That's ironic when you think that it was massive over-confidence within markets and consumers - and consequent unsustainable levels of debt - that caused the crisis we're now in the middle of.

It seems politicians, and the business leaders who fund them, will never learn the lessons of economic and political history, which is a double irony when you consider that most politicians these days have degrees in PPE.

Never go to a politician for the truth - they will tell you what they think you want to hear (unless you're a public servant); more so closer to an election.

Thinking of offering my services as Santa at a local store - I'll tell the kids as it is; Santa has been subject to a recession and cannot afford to give presents this year, all the elves have been laid off and the reindeer are in line for a pension reduction.

I was practising on my son last night. Tried the old Jedi trick of a wave of the hand with the words: "You are not expecting anything over 10 quid for Christmas."

I hear union bosses are calling for Jeremy Clarkson to be sacked. No disciplinary procedure, no employment tribunal, no strike action allowed by Clarkson - just summary dismissal, which is an abysmal way to treat a public sector employee (Clarkson works for the BBC).....

Phew!

2011-12-03T04:35:00.003Z

Hayley bitterly regrets having given me copious quantities of fried onions with the bangers and colcanon she made for dinner last night.

Pity there's no feed-in tariff for gas.

By the way - if you want to see the real story on public vs private sector pay and pensions, look at this. Public sector employees are better paid than those in the private sector. Pensions are certainly much better.

The Clarkson Files

2011-12-02T08:15:00.001Z

Union leaders have said Jeremy Clarkson should be made to live for a year on a nurse's salary. Why not a head teacher's or judge's salary?

Or even a union boss's salary?

Monopoly Money

2011-12-01T06:21:00.011Z

In defence of yesterday's Day of Action, many who work in the public sector maintain the work they do is hugely important, as evidenced by the chaos that ensues when they go on strike. However, one of the main reasons for the public sector having such an impact is due to many of its branches being virtual monopolies. Withdrawal of labour ipso facto has a huge impact.

The work BT did when it was a government owned monopoly was hugely important, but when competition entered into the market through deregulation in the 80s and 90s, BT became less important - and largely irrelevant - as there was a (invariably cheaper) private sector alternative.

Nationalise all garages and suddenly all garage mechanics perform vital and hugely important work (and are incidentally able to hold the country hostage if their demands are not met).

Crippling strikes that affect the public are the preserve of the public sector. Due to the presence of competition, strikes in the private sector affect only those they are meant to affect - the shareholders (and of course those employees who do not wish to strike and may lose their jobs as a consequence). This gives public sector employees vast bargaining power when negotiating pay and conditions; power not available to private sector employees. This power must be wielded responsibly and not in pursuit of unrealistic goals that assume an infinitely elastic public purse.

Incidentally, for union leaders to cherry-pick specific occupations at the bottom of the public pay-scale to justify their cause is disingenuous and massaging the data to suit the desired result. The same can be said of governments cherry-picking top NHS consultants' pay to justify their position. These are not matters relevant to discussions over final salary, index-linked pensions and their affordability across the entire public sector spectrum - top to bottom - in today's economic climate. The issue of low pay is precisely that - an issue of low pay for specific occupations. To drag this into the overall argument is a classic red herring.

I have to report that Hayley's mother, Sylvia (or Caravan, as she was known in the family), died yesterday after a short battle against cancer. Following the removal of a malignant melanoma some 4 years ago, she recently complained of stomach pains. On analysis she was found to have an enlarged lymph gland under one arm. A CT scan a couple of weeks ago showed rampant cancer in her brain, lungs and stomach. The end was swift, but (following the administration of palliative pain relief) painless.

George Smiley on Strike

2011-11-30T06:02:00.001Z

Bit of a bugger when you take the wrong teeth to a meeting.

Was in such a hurry to get to a business meeting in Dorking yesterday that I grabbed my new bottom denture rather than the top one - the top being the one that hides the massive gap in my smile. Can't get used to the damned things and only put them in for meeting and greeting.

Still can't understand what today's public service strike is going to achieve. If you're serious you go on strike till you get what you want. A day of mild disruption that few will even notice (and even fewer actually support) will get you nowhere.

Listened to a teacher on the TV yesterday complaining that she'd been promised an index-linked pension based on her final salary and now the government is reneging on it. Sorry love, in the private sector the final salary pension went years ago and we never had index linked pensions in the first place - why, when we're all having to tighten our belts, are you a special case?

I guess I'm going to be vilified again for the above paragraph, but before having a pop, please come up with an alternative solution to the problem that will work. Unions are partisan, as indeed they are paid to be; they're not interested in equitable solutions. Governments, on the other hand, have to take a wider and longer view, as they're running a country (although that doesn't necessarily make them infallible).

An Apple with Holes

2011-11-29T05:40:00.002Z

Clever people, these chaps at Apple - it now seems that the Apple iPhone can keep you warm.

Yesterday I was thinking about the phrase 'pre-drilled hole'. When you think about it they all pre-drilled - it's just a case of who does the pre-drilling.

Public / Private

2011-11-27T06:35:00.002Z

I can't get my head around this public/private argument between the unions and the government.

Public sector workers are allegedly striking because they're unhappy with their lot. Why on earth don't they just do what I did whenever I was unhappy with my Ts & Cs - simply move another job, in their case preferably one in the private sector where things are so much better! The fact they don't speaks volumes about their actual Ts & Cs, which can't be as bad as they maintain.

I heard someone yesterday say that the average wage has gone up in the public sector because low paid jobs have been outsourced to the private sector. However, if jobs have been outsourced and the public sector has made a saving, the inevitable conclusion is that the very same jobs when performed by the private sector are lower paid, which makes a mockery of the unions' case.

Fat cat union bosses on large salaries and huge bonuses are moaning about the salaries and bonuses of fat cat private sector bosses. Why? it's not as if these private sector salaries or bonuses are coming from the public purse. It's not even as if the union bosses are in the public sector themselves - they are in the private sector too, despite their members being in the public sector.

What do these union guys want - the maximum possible numbers employed in the public sector (as I do) with a bit of pain for all, or employment for a select few - i.e. those who survive the inevitable job cuts - with better than average wages and pensions (which is what it seems they are prepared to strike for)?

Bloody Brits - Coming Over Here & Taking Our Jobs

2011-11-25T06:33:00.001Z

Well, made it back from Greece without any problems.

The thing I went to attend was a maritime conference/exhibition and I met up with a bunch of people who I hadn’t seen for ages – some for a decade or more and some since we were cadets together 40 years ago. Conversations re started from where they’d been left the previous time we all met, but that’s the maritime industry for you.

The Brits among us went out for a heavy night on the piss. I got to bed at 2am and one of my colleagues stayed up drinking cheap Greek whisky till 6am. Mike Tindall and the England rugby team would have been proud of us.

The government has said that the public sector strike will cost the country £500m in lost productivity. The unions disagree – and I must say I agree with the unions. How can it cost the country anything when everyone in the private sector is actually redundant and not working anyway?

Apparently the net migration last year was 250,000 inward. It is understood that this is down to those bloody Brits all coming back from Australia and New Zealand and taking our jobs….

A Mere Shadow of Their Former Selves

2011-11-23T06:00:00.000Z

Took these photos a few weeks ago, just before the leaves all fell.

They're shadows - I thought them interesting.

Shiney Things For Idiots

2011-11-22T04:00:00.001Z

Hay made a Freudian slip yesterday and came up with the excellent word “bollotics”, which we defined as politics of a particularly bollocky and bull shitty nature. She came out with it while listening to a radio interview with William Hague, who she thinks sounds as if he’s trying to convince himself, rather than those to whom he’s speaking.

Now for my trip to Greece.

Do you, like me, feel there simply aren’t enough Harrods shops in our airports these days? I’m not sure about you, but the first thing I want to do after transiting airport security (besides having a pee, a coffee and a sandwich) is to spend shedloads of hard earned money on expensive and intrinsically worthless crap. The operators of Heathrow Terminal 5 have addressed this woeful situation by providing not one, but two Harrods shops.

I had a scout around in the duty free and was gratified to discover I could obtain a 70cl bottle of Gordon’s gin for about £2 more than in my local Co-Op.

Once I’d boarded the plane I had a quick scan of the British Airways magazine to see what films I could expect to watch on the 4 hour flight and was overjoyed to see a veritable plethora of cinematographic delights on the 12 or so available channels. However, when I looked at the back of the seat in front of me, I suddenly realised that there was no personal entertainment system – it was an old 767 with just a single screen for all passengers.

I then had a bet with myself and selected what I thought would be the most boring film and sat back to await the announcement of which film would be playing. Bingo – I was psychic! OK, it wasn’t boring, but it was certainly the one I thought would be the most boring.

To while away the hours I decided to partake in one of my favourite in-flight past-times, scrutinising expensive shit in the duty free magazine. Time was when expensive things were made of expensive materials; these days that rule has been broken by the marketing people and expensive stuff is also made of crap that looks as it if will fall to pieces within a pico-second of purchase.

Just for a minute, let’s look at something of intrinsic worth - gold. Now gold is said to hold its price due to its rarity. However, given gold has been mined since prehistoric times, the amount of gold in circulation has increased, meaning it should be dropping in price year-on-year. Counter-intuitively it continues to increase in price – but that is due to the yardstick by which we measure its worth becoming worthless – i.e. money.

Let’s look for a minute at house prices. It surely can’t be right that a house which costs £X to build can cost 3 x £X when sold on. This discrepancy is due to what we experts call ‘the market’, which is a mechanism that restricts supply (or increases rarity) so as to maximise profit. It is illusory and can be destroyed at the whim of a government that decides the tax payer will subsidise housing costs (see yesterday’s post).

Anyway, back to shoddy goods designed to relieve the wealthy and weak minded of their money.

In my youth, Lambretta was a name synonymous with parka coats, short haircuts, oily 2 stroke scooters and soul music; these days it’s a name associated with high fashion. Lambretta now aligns its name to a shoddy £60 watch. What the connection is between Lambretta and watches is beyond me. Possibly they're going after the 50-something nostalgia market.

Now for The Oregon I Balance Bangle: “Wear this stylish bangle and benefit your health. Negative ions may help raise the alkaline levels in your body, neutralising harmful acidic toxins and thereby facilitating blood circulation, enhancing metabolism and soothing fatigued muscles.” Price £45.

Note the weasel-word “may”. Marketing people use this word in the manner demonstrated in the following sentence; “You may become a billionaire by midnight tonight.” See what I mean? What the word “may” means in marketing-speak is, “never in a billion, billion years - not even in the multiverse where all possibly combinations of time and matter exist simultaneously, but we have to use it to prevent us being sued for making unsubstantiated claims”.

Next comes marketing maths, as in the description of the following trinket – the SpyPen – which can record sound “within a 5 metre squared radius”. We experts with an O level (or even an 11 Plus pass) know that radius is a linear measurement, not one of area.

I then decided to partake of the chargrilled pieces of chicken in a creamy coconut Thai red curry sauce served with rice (contains fish and shellfish!).

On my arrival at Athens airport, I discovered that the shouted phrase: “Let me through, I’m British,” no longer cuts any ice at the immigration queue.

Saif al Islam Captured & Hezza Loses the Plot

2011-11-21T06:06:00.002Z

"The UK will ultimately join the Euro," says Lord "Mad Dog" Heseltine, thus demonstrating his slipping grip on reality.

Off to Greece again for the week. I doubt I'll solve their financial problem, but it will probably mean I'll be off-air for a few days as I battle fog at Heathrow and Greek public transport strikes (the Greeks like to solve the financial crisis in their own inimitable manner).

Heard a good one the other day; what's the difference in output between a Greek public sector worker sat at his desk and the same worker on strike? None!

I spotted Saif al Islam doing the weather on ITV West last night!

I'm a bit worried about the government's plan to make the tax payer underwrite the mortgages of those least able to afford it. Remember the toxic mortgages scandal in the US - the very thing that started off the global recession?

Never Listen to Doctors or Politicians

2011-11-20T08:26:00.003Z

Bashir al Assad has vowed to die before giving up power.

This follows hard on the heels of the BMA having to retract most of its statements about smoking in cars.

Countries that put doctors (Assad is an eye surgeon) in positions of dictatorial power should be prepared for them going back on their words - however, in the case of Assad, his words may just turn out to be prophetic.

Some bishops have castigated the government for failing the poor in respect of their plans for welfare reform. I consider myself to have a social conscience, in that I do not mind in the least paying higher taxes to make the lives of the poor a tad better; however, the money so reaped almost never finds its way to the poor, as government siphons it off for other worthy causes, such as giving it to Richard Branson or to the EU.

What's happened to Nick Clegg? I thought we had a coalition government, but Clegg seems to have done a runner.

Peace in Our Time - Strictly

2011-11-19T05:04:00.000Z

UK PM, David Cameron, has returned to the UK from a trip to the German Chancellor announcing: "Peace in our time."

Makes you nostalgic, doesn't it? I hear he was threatening her with a bazooka at one stage.

He said the British ambassador to Berlin had handed a final note to the German Chancellor saying unless she announced plans to withdraw from the Euro by 11:00, a state of war would exist between the two countries.

I'm fully expecting Mr Cameron to say: "I have to tell you now that no such undertaking has been received and consequently this country is at war with Germany."

Stop Press - Far-rage?

2011-11-18T10:00:00.000Z

A late addition to the earlier post below. Apparently this is going viral.

Pass the Joint

2011-11-18T06:00:00.000Z

The boss of MI5 is set to make a speech calling for the legalisation of cannabis.

Chip Somers of the drug treatment group Focus 12 says decriminalising cannabis is the wrong way forward. "I don't want the person driving the train I'm on to have just had a joint thank you very much," he said. "I am reassured by the fact that it is illegal."

Well anyone called Chip must surely have issues, but to point out the obvious to Chip, I don't want the person driving the train I'm on to have just had 6 gin and tonics thank you very much, but I am reassured by the fact that it is illegal to drive a train under the influence of alcohol, and alcohol is legal.

What a silly man Chip is!

In an equally asinine statement, George Osborne has said that selling Northern Rock for £747m in return for an investment of £1.4bn is value for money. Where did he do maths GCSE? I know the syllabus has been dumbed down, but that's plain stupid. What's he smoking?

Regardless of the maths, surely selling a bank at a rock bottom price in the middle of a recession isn't really sensible. Would he not be better hanging on to it till prices rise a bit? I seem to remember the Conservatives berating Gordon Brown for selling off our gold reserves when the market was at rock bottom (known as Brown's Bottom).

The words pot, kettle and black come to mind, as well as mindblowingly and hypocritical. He'd better keep the £747m in reserve when he has to bail it out again in a few months.

Star Frooms for Blatter

2011-11-17T05:46:00.000Z

Overheard in the Caravan:

No.1 Son: "Dad, do they have star frooms in the NHS?"

Chairman: "What?"

No.1 Son: "Do they have star frooms?"

Chairman: "What's a star froom?"

No.1 Son: "Where the starf have tea of course."

Chairman: "Oh, you mean staffrooms!"

No.1 Son: "That's what I said!"

Chairman: "You're too posh for your own good."

No.1 Son: "You're so northern!"

Blatter dismisses racism worries:

Fifa president Sepp Blatter says he does not believe football has a problem with racism, and any rows between players can be resolved with a handshake or a pogrom.

Bringing the Outside Inside

2011-11-16T06:15:00.003Z

Bloke finds something from the outside in something that comes from the outside!

A bloke in the southwest found a dead bird - probably a starling - in a bag of Tesco salad. Rather than simply taking it to Tesco for a refund, he puts it on display to the press and makes a big hoo-ha about it.

Bagged salads are processed almost with no human intervention, so it's bound to happen that things that live in the open - and die there - occasionally get into them. It's not as it he would have actually forked it up and stuffed it in his gob - it was a whole bird, for heaven's sake.

He even admits himself that he didn't notice it as he poured it into a bowl - it was only as it was placed on the table that his girlfriend noticed it as she was "seconds away from eating it". However, methinks he embroiders the story too much; perhaps he smells a massive payout from Tesco.

I'm just surprised it doesn't happen more often - I'm looking forward to finding a dead otter in my broccoli one of these days.

Get over it! Who on earth buys bagged salad anyway? Much easier and cheaper to buy a whole lettuce - less chance of finding wildlife in it too. As for dining on Tesco pizza and salad - he's asking for trouble and obviously doesn't care what crap he shovels into his mouth.

The BMA has recommended an outright ban on smoking in cars - even if there were no passengers, as the best way of protecting children as well as non-smoking adults.

The head of science at the BMA admitted introducing a total ban would be a "bold and courageous" move. More like a lunatic move. How on earth will it be policed anyway given you're lucky to see a police car these days unless you're caught up in a 25 car motorway pile up. And why a total ban, even if there are no others in the car?

When I smoked, I would always open the driver window a crack so as the smoke was naturally extracted - as I think all smokers do, as even they don't like sitting in a hermetically sealed tin full of smoke. Passengers always maintained they couldn't even smell the smoke under those conditions. And what about electronic cigarettes with no particulates or carcinogens - how are the police to distinguish between those and real cigarettes?

The lunatics are running the asylum!

Next it will be no drinking in bars.

Sea Views of the Gulag for a Menopausal Jordan

2011-11-15T06:00:00.000Z

Hideous Man Flu yesterday - nearly died! What makes it ironic is that I forgot to go to the doctor's surgery on Saturday to have a flu jab.

Menopause. Why call it that when there's no chance of it resuming again? Should be called the menocease, surely?

Sir Jimmy Savile has been buried at a 45 degree angle 'so he can see the sea'. Now as far as I know, he has actually been buried in the ground, so (letting alone the fact he's dead) his view of the sea is actually obscured by half a ton of soil (plus the concrete they poured into the site to prevent vandalism).

I wonder if estate agents will start using this premise? "Wonderful views of the sea," despite the house in question being in the middle of a concrete jungle.

The BBC is resurrecting Jim'll Fix It for a Christmas Special as a tribute to Sir Jim; however, rather than showing a Best Of Jim'll Fix It (as befits a tribute), they're showing a new one hosted by a soap actor. Surely they should call it Shane'll Fix It, as it will have nothing whatsoever to do with Jimmy Savile except the name?

I'm currently reading Solzhenitsyn's The Gulag Archipelago - an expose of the Soviet labour camps - and a harrowing read it is too. Here is a particularly vivid passage showing the terror people were placed under.

A district Party conference was under way in Moscow Province. It was presided over by a new secretary of the District Party Committee, replacing one recently arrested. At the conclusion of the conference, a tribute to Comrade Stalin was called for. Of course, everyone stood up (just as everyone had leaped to his feet during the conference at every mention of his name). The small hall echoed with "stormy applause, rising to an ovation."

For three minutes, four minutes, five minutes, the "stormy applause, rising to an ovation," continued. But palms were getting sore and raised arms were already aching. And the older people were panting from exhaustion. It was becoming insufferably silly even to those who really adored Stalin. However, who would dare be the first to stop?

The secretary of the District Party Committee could have done it. He was standing on the platform, and it was he who had just called for the ovation. But he was a newcomer. He had taken the place of a man who'd been arrested. He was afraid! After all, NKVD men were standing in the hall applauding and watching to see who quit first! And in that obscure, small hall, unknown to the Leader, the applause went on—six, seven, eight minutes! They were done for! Their goose was cooked! They couldn't stop now till they collapsed with heart attacks! At the rear of the hall, which was crowded, they could of course cheat a bit, clap less frequently, less vigorously, not so eagerly—but up there with the presidium where everyone could see them?

The director of the local paper factory, an independent and strong-minded man, stood with the presidium. Aware of all the falsity and all the impossibility of the situation, he still kept on applauding! Nine minutes! Ten! In anguish he watched the secretary of the District Party Committee, but the latter dared not stop. Insanity! To the last man! With make-believe enthusiasm on their faces, looking at each other with faint hope, the district leaders were just going to go on and on applauding till they fell where they stood, till they were carried out of the hall on stretchers! And even then those who were left would not falter. . . .

Then, after eleven minutes, the director of the paper factory assumed a businesslike expression and sat down in his seat. And, oh, a miracle took place! Where had the universal, uninhibited, indescribable enthusiasm gone? To a man, everyone else stopped dead and sat down. They had been saved! The squirrel had been smart enough to jump off his revolving wheel.

That, however, was how they discovered who the independent people were. And that was how they went about eliminating them. That same night the factory director was arrested. They easily pasted ten years on him on the pretext of something quite different. But after he had signed Form 206, the final document of the interrogation, his interrogator reminded him:
"Don't ever be the first to stop applauding!"

I hear Jordan has called on Syria's Assad to step down. What sway a chav has on a dictator is beyond me, but I suppose it takes all sorts to make a Bunga-Bunga party.